Ambivalence is a word after all
All the feelings—at all the same time—are exhausting
Yesterday my partner and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. We had gone out for an amazing dinner the night before (if you ever get to Callicoon, you must have dinner at The Black Walnut—the chef is amazing and her cooking sublime!) so on the actual day, we celebrated quietly at home. Thirty-five years is a pretty long time. We’ve lived together longer than we’ve lived with anyone else. I feel warm inside when I say that. I baked a peach upside-cake. It tasted good.
I listen to the news. I am filled with rage hearing what is happening to our brothers and sisters in LA. The rhetoric coming out of our country’s leaders is infuriating, disturbing and terribly troubling. I vacillate between wanting to run away to be a hermit and wanting to be brave enough to protest and dare our governmental forces to arrest an infuriated older white lady.
It’s raining again. My tiny garden is very wet. Some local animal friend has been nibbling on the squash and melon I planted and I’m wondering if they will have enough oomph to flower and fruit this year. The apple tree flowers were very sparse and I suspect the trees will have few fruits. We planted willows along the riparian edge of the creek on the land in the hope of controlling erosion - but the deer seem to find them tasty. I haven’t been walking the land much because the squelching noise of my shoes in wet grass drives me to crazy-town.
Recently, there was a story about a local restaurant, just over the river in Pennsylvania, whose staff has been twice targeted by ICE. I shake my head and wonder how this can be happening. It makes my heart hurt to think of the fear that people who don’t look like white Americans must feel—regardless of their immigration status
I am getting excited about an impending visit by my son and his partner. We’ll be spending some time on Cape Cod, together with my siblings and their families. Family time fills me with joy and warm love. We’ll play cards, eat yummy food, and enjoy the beach—and each other.
I suppose its always been true that we feel contradictory feelings all the time. Ambivalence is a word after all. And maybe the dichotomy seems extra sharp due to the proliferation of social media. The speed of everything keeps getting faster and faster! I find that I can almost get whiplash from the emotional fallout of trying to hold these feelings. I am practicing how to let the storms pass through. This feels necessary for survival.
Happy anniversary! Thirty five years is a masterful accomplishment. It’s weird, too, to realize just how long your lives have been interwoven.
And with respect to everything else? The ambivalence is real. The exhaustion profound. It’s hard to know where to put it all - and how to best make use of the feelings, instead of allowing the power of those feelings to be squandered.
A prayer I pray for times like these is: “May my heart be open, and may this pass through without injury.”